Have words, will babble.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

I wonder how it feels to make someone your life and then realize that you will never be enough. They will always need more, but they have always been more than enough for you. Just a thought.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:44 AM;

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

I babysat tonight for the first time in ages. It was quite fun. I am a nervous wreck around kids when they're in my sole care.
I've written a short story since the tykes hit the hay. It's kind of taken on a life of it's own. It began as a fictional foray into my twisted brain, but has become autobiographical in nature. All names have been changed to protect the innocent. It felt quite therapeutic. I needed that, it's been a while since I committed something raw and personal to paper. For some reason taking pen to paper is so much different than typing it here. Why is that?
I saw a show Sunday night that I must make mention of. It blew me away. It was Falsettos at a nearby university. This show was phenominal. It's basically the story of a family. A mom, a dad, a son, Dad's boyfriend, a divorce, a shrink, the lesbian couple from next door. Not only did it depict how I perceive my life to shape up, it touched me on a deeper level than I imagined it would. I knew most of the story going in, but at the end of the show, I just felt like I had been punched in the gut. It was a great experience. It made me evaluate my life on a different level, and led to a stupid decision later that night, but all in all a great experience.
I read too much into everything. It's a fatal flaw of mine. One of many. I wish that I could just go with the flow and not worry about where everything is headed. On the outside, I rarely show these psychotic questions, but on the inside it eats me up. Lately, I feel kind of like I'm in a death grip with my brain. It's amazing how often I have to fight for control these days. It's just one of those weeks I guess. They come and go.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:56 AM;

Saturday, February 22, 2003

"It's a big box of sleepy goodness!"
That is the phrase my girl Jade-Lo used to describe our love for huge sleigh beds. I thought it was fucking hysterical! Good Times! This girl is gonna be an opening act for the kick-ass headlining act that ChristoCarto and I will be writing someday. It's gonna be CRAZY man!
In other news, I'm reading a very sad book. I'll keep you posted on that. It hasn't made me cry...yet, but it will.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:25 PM;

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Lately I find myself attempting to read people. I'm trying to understand their thoughts and what their motives are. I once could tell immediately and was amazingly dead on, usually. As of late, I have failed miserably. My heart is heavy and I can't pinpoint the reason, although I guess that deep down where I refuse to look, I know what the problem really is. I've tried to show the people in my life what they mean to me, but I get nervous and mess it up. I'm constantly afraid that things will go awry and I'll be left alone. So, I freak out and beat them to the punch.
I thought that this blogging thing would be this enormous release for me, but I find that I censor myself quite a bit. I portray my life as an open book, but that is not entirely true. There are things that I have to keep inside. Most of all for my sanity, but for the other parties involved as well.
I remember what it was like to be in a relationship and I never want to be in that place again. I have loved in my life, sometimes too much, but never too well. I always maintained that I had given all that I had to my romantic entanglements, but the truth is that I never completely gave myself over to it. These are issues that I will, inevitably, have to face. I live in the Land of Denial...It's a fun place. I would LOVE to take a vacation to the Isle of Emotional Detachment. I think that it would be a fun place to visit.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:55 AM;

Sunday, February 16, 2003

The other night as I returned from rehearsal, some people from my old church were sitting at my house. They lectured me, tried to guilt me, even bashed my friends. Do these tactics really work on anyone? These people feel that, based only on the fact that I am not seated on a pine pew every Sunday, I have become a horrible person. This is not true of course. I have been searching for years for what I believe in. Now that I have found sort of an outline of my beliefs, I find that my old church does not nurture me spiritually speaking. I have to nurture myself.
I just can't understand these fucking backwoods people.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:49 PM;

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Well, well, well...It has been a while. I'm finally over my cooties, YAY! One of my favorite munchkins is now suffering from pneumonia...let's hope she feels way better soon!
How 'bout Valentine's Day not being that bad this year? I stayed in my pj's until at least 4:30 pm today. When I finally emerged, Dearest Jett and her darling offspring brought me cookies. How sweet is that? Ole Jett can be a softy, don't let her lie. To top it off, I somehow wrangled ChristoCarto into being my "Designated Valentine", I think it had alot to do with the prospect of gifts. I had rehearsal and then I journeyed down to the local community theater for a little culture and champagne....ya can't beat that.
I'm not saying that I've learned to love the V-Day, but it was ok this year.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:19 AM;

Saturday, February 08, 2003

I'm ikky, yukky sick. Yesterday, I thought the scratching in my throat was just the preamble to throat cancer because who better to brave throat cancer than April Love. I have this underlying fear, otherwise known as hypochondria, that I have some horrific disease. It sounds really funny and I even get a few chuckles about it myself. It actually keeps me up at night on occasion. Although the throat cancer is not one of these fears, it was a really ~~classy~~ no sick and twisted joke. When I was 10, the doctor said that I must have my tonsils removed. In typical April fashion, I stopped seeing that doctor to avoid surgery. Now that my tonsils are all kinda inflamed and ikky, I'm kinda wishing I had done the surgery and been done with it. I'm just sayin'. So, send good health vibes out into the spiritual realm for me if you will.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:12 PM;

Friday, February 07, 2003

I must make reference to the dreaded holiday, yet again. I hate Valentine's Day, and not because it's a corporate conspiracy to sell more chocolate and flowers, although I truly believe that. I hate this saccarin sweet holiday because in it's design it makes all of us happily single folk feel we are lacking something for that one day. Any holiday that coats everything in red and it's ultimate clasher, pink, should be something I could stand behind. Don't get me wrong, I hate pink, but a day of clashing colors that is oh so ~~lovely~~ tacky, and one of said colors being none other than my very own signature color should bring a gleam to my eye. Right? You'd think that I would wallow in the sentimental shit that is Valentine's Day. For Christ's sake, I'm a whore for a good romantic comedy. Hell, I'll admit it, I even love the horrible ones. AND, I'm a slut for a good drama on the tube.
But even as I bitch, this year hasn't been so bad. I have great friends who are lightening the blow of the "Lover's Holiday". I've gotten more great presents than I EVER got from the ex, so Rock ON Cupid, you can't bring me down this year....Bitch!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 11:04 PM;

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

We started rehearsals for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat tonight. I think it will probably be a great experience. I will be assistant directing and I will be the baker that is imprisoned with Joseph. Good Times!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:25 AM;

Sunday, February 02, 2003

I find myself at a crossroad. The issues in my life that are bringing me down, must be addressed. Every decision that I ponder is plagued with consequences. If I take the high road and let it all go, I have to look myself in the mirror and try to not ridicule myself for my non-action. If I take action, I have the inevitable, bad results that go with it. What is wrong with me. I've never had a problem saying what's on my mind, and suddenly I feel as though I should keep it all in. My friends would disagree, I'm always carrying on about something, but I never really address the real problems head on. My head feels all muddled, my thoughts don't find sense. It will all work out in time, I know that, it's just difficult right now.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:15 PM;

I made it through. Here I am in one piece. I had a great weekend. I took a trip to visit a friend and we had a great time. We drank daiqueries and I read everyone's cards. My readings are not top notch, but they improve with everyone that I do....it's all about harnessing that energy.
Tonight I went to a show, and I met two bands. One of my favorite bands right now is Adelayda. They are fabulous. Their lyrics are so beautiful, and they touch me on a level I can't explain. They rock my suburbs! I played the role of the 14 year old girl. Candy and I went to Waffle House after the show and gushed about how cute they were. I would say that we were sell-outs, but it's all about the music first and foremost. When I talked to them I stayed cool, but I REALLY wanted to cry, and found it difficult to articulate. There aren't many people that render me speechless, and only one that isn't a celebrity. I realize that they are just people, but I see this talent in them that moves me to tears. I love music. I think that it's nourishment for the soul...and I'm not sure where I got that little anecdote, but it's pretty damn accurate. I will leave you with a tid-bit of a lyric from one of their songs....here goes.....
I've come down today to face my pain. It's all locked up in you. I'm tattered, torn and I'm blue. And it's safe to say tomorrow's another day. And then you'll see, all that's left here is me.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:45 AM;