Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Unfortunately I have been thinking for days now and that can never be good. There are so many things in my everyday life that I must let go of. Things that will drive me nuts if I don't. I hold on to so many stupid things. Material things and emotional things. I have finally figured out that what we hear people say is not always what they mean. I think that I often hear what I need to hear. I have let myself believe that things can happen, but they really never can. I have such high hopes and such vast dreams....I like it that way, I just want to be prepared for the inevitable fallout.I was as low as I could possibly be not so long ago. I felt that place creeping back upon me recently, but I feel like I can be better than that. I finally feel like I can move on. That I can pick up the pieces of my crumpled, broken life and move forward. I want to find my place amongst this crazy mess. I'm ready for my world to come together and the life that I want to live to become clear.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:04 AM;
Friday, September 19, 2003
I will turn twenty-five years old before the year's end. Keeping that in mind, you can imagine my shock and dismay when my father informed me that he had "been on a couple of dates with a girl". It was clear by the emphasis on "girl" that I would not be pleased. I replied, "Oh, God." He looked shocked. Like he had not begged for this reaction. I added, "Please tell me that she's not younger than me." He assured me that she is not.....she's twenty-eight. She could be my sister. I'll admit it, this is weird for me. My last step-mother, who I love, is considerably younger than my father, but not young enough to be his daughter. I haven't met new girl yet. I'm not quite sure how that's gonna work out. The last time I experienced my father's dating life, I was a child of twelve. It didn't really affect me. Hell, I was trying to accept suddenly having two homes. Fuck bothering myself with who my dad had lined up for marriage #2. It was just fun to go to nice dinners and movies with whatever mystery girls happened to also have kids. But this time it's a little different. I consider my step-brothers to be my brothers. It's been that way for twelve years. They were just babies when they came into my life and I really love my step-mother. I don't want any of us to be unhappy, but I also have a hard time dealing with this fracture in my family structure.Dad already has potential #3's lined up. Here we go.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:46 PM;
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
I can't do this anymore. Nothing has ever hurt this badly. It feels like a cinder block is sitting on my chest. I wish that I could pull through the lava that fills my head. What can I do? How can I change things? It's happening again and I'm more scared than I have ever been.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:39 AM;
Sunday, September 14, 2003
So much has come to light the past few weeks. I think that I may be a better person because of it, but it's still new and I can't possibly be sure yet. I feel my life beginning to shift and change and I don't quite know if it's a good thing. I'm just trying to let things take there natural course.The Dashboard Confessional show was awesome. One of the best shows I've been to. I thought that I would include a little sample of one of my favorites.
I heard about your trip. I heard about your souvenirs. I heard aboout the cool breeze, in the cool nights, and the cool guys that you spent them with. I heard about your regrets. I heard that you were feeling sorry. I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us. Well I guess I should have heard of them from you. Don't you see that the charade is over? And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you. So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away. I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers. I'll be all right when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone. I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice. You're calling too late, too late to be gracious and you do not warrant long good-byes. You're calling too late.
The Best Deceptions--Dashboard Confessional
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:32 PM;
