Friday, November 12, 2004
Yeah... That's my boo.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:28 AM;
Life is a highway. I wanna ride it all night long.
Just a thought.Oooooh! I have a new obsession. My friend Ron and I are hooked on American Chopper. The O.C.C. BABY! Ron wants to do Paulie and I kinda wanna do Mikey. It's fun. Yeah, I guess you could say we're deep thinkers.
I highly recommend it.In other news.... I found myself a second job for the jovial holiday season. At a music store no less. One would think that one of the joys of working in a music store would be getting to listen to good music. Right? Alas no. Apparently, a corporate visit is anticipated so we must follow company standards for a week or so, then it's back to the good stuff. I can't wait.
I don't understand. I can't stomach Christmas music until I've had turkey. Let me have Thanksgiving.... some paper turkeys and cornacopias and such... a few ceramic pilgrims... Sneak those songs in on me as I enjoy a sandwich of left over turkey so dry that I need a 2-liter. Please? I guess I shall have to embrace the force fed holiday season. Cest la vie.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:39 AM;
Thursday, November 11, 2004
It feels as though months have passed since we spoke last. It's been just over two weeks. Sixteen days actually. I think of you daily as I always have. I wonder if you allow me to cross your mind and if so what these thoughts consist of. My heart is healing. I have days when I just want to fall into your arms as I once did. I battle those days less often lately. I have finally mustered the courage to be ready when love finds me again. That's the scariest part of all. Opening myself up to be broken again. Maybe I'll just keep getting stronger. Nothing in life is in vain. Everything culminates to make us who we are. I hope you're doing well. Deep down, I hope that you think of me often....
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:01 AM;
Saturday, October 30, 2004
I am extremely nervous about the upcoming election. It's historic really. For the first time, an election is in the hands of young America. We will decide the fate of our great country. There has been at least a twenty percent spike in voter registration among 18-25 year olds.... I couldn't be happier. I, of course, have my opinion, but I'm just hoping to see young people go out and vote no matter who they vote for. I think that we, especially young women, must stand for our basic rights at this pivotal time. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I will be casting my vote for John Kerry. No matter who you choose to vote for, be informed. Make sure that you know the whole story and not just what the media feeds us. Don't get me wrong, I love the news... I love magazines... And there are actually a few that I trust, I'm just saying, do your homework. And no matther what.... Get off your asses and vote on Tuesday. This is the one, and only, time that I can not support my fellow slackers. It's time that the future of America raise our voices and stand for what we believe in.Only time will tell.....
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:31 AM;
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
At 19, I thought that I had fallen in love for life. Although he would haunt me for years, and may possibly continue to for life, we didn't last. I loved him from the tips of my fingers to my toes. One of those all consuming loves. The kind that could quite possibly ruin a young girls life. And it almost did. It seems so obvious. Just walk away.... Forget about him. Not so easy. I thought that I had gotten him out of my system. But when I find myself sleeping alone and dateless on Saturday night, it was easier than it should have been to go there again. I was lonely and I knew that he cared. He said he was getting married... To her.... The girl that he left me for. I had played it coy for so long, but I relented. I asked him to be with me..... To not get married and be with me. He declined. He loves me... He wanted to be with me... But it was too late... He couldn't turn back now. That's what he said. I wonder how it is possible to love one person and marry another. I fear that he just apeased me. He was always a master at saying what I wanted to hear. It's just easier to believe that he loves us both. He did marry her. My heart breaks at just the thought of it. I knew it would hurt, and it does, but I've had a revelation. This sets me free. It's over. I'll never feel again like I did with him. We will never be together again. All within the confines of two weeks, I've let him go and I've faced all the truths about the other man I've loved. I feel empty right now, but it'll all come around. It always does. Now I can properly move forward. I can drop those walls and insecurities built by them.I hope he's happy...
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:20 AM;
Monday, July 19, 2004
Oh my.... it has been a while. So much has happened. I have harbored delusions for some time about the fate of my love life. The only person I have ever loved more than I love myself is out of reach. He has made it clear, finally. I think it would be easier to have been clueless. I somehow thought that it would work out in the end. That I would love him so much that he would have no choice but to love me back, that there would be no way round it. I doubt that I will ever love another as much as I will always love him, but alas, I'll move on. I'll pick up my pride and scrape my heart off the pavement and recover. I wonder what the turning point was. I often fear that I was just someone to help hide the truth... deep down I know better, but the fear lies just beneath the surface. I see his face on every man I try to be with. I've always heard that the truth hurts and I always knew that it often applied, but never quite like now. It cuts deep and to the bone, they were small statements, but they were oooozing with truth and there magnitude was undeniable. There is little left to do. I'll return to the role of loyal companion. It's a part I play well, I'll never again let the jealousy or ache show on the surface. I'll be who I knew all along that I was supposed to be.... the friend. That is not a bad thing, I don't mean to sound that way, it's just not what I would have chosen. I will suffocate the flutter of butterflies in my stomach and I won't catch my breath at the sight of him. Platonic Bliss shall be mine..... I picture myself saying that on a mountain top with my fist in the air and then bursting into peels of laughter. I can always laugh... there is always humor my friends... always.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:24 AM;
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
I've been thinking too much tonight, as usual. I hate that people have to sugar coat things. For instance....that old line "I don't really want to date anyone right now." That translates to "I don't really want to date you." I've gotten that line a couple of times lately and I'm beginning to think that maybe there's something wrong with me. How fucking much do you have to give. I just need to know. There are three men in my life right now in some form or another. The first one loves me, not "in love" with me, and I'm certain of that. He loves me in the dreaded "sisterly" fashion and can never be with me for many varied reasons. All of those reasons are valid and authentic and I understand, but that doesn't make it suck any less. The second is a great guy who I find myself liking more and more even as I shouldn't. He could care less about me and that really sucks as well. Then there's the third man. I've hurt him once before and I know that inevitably I will again. He's a good guy who cares about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and he means it, even when I don't believe it. He says the things that a woman longs to hear, but can never ask for. The other two will never say these things because they don't see them. And that's ok. I don't want to be with #3, but I keep wondering if it's my only chance. He would give anything to wake up with his arms around me and I just keep thinking about how I want to be in someone else's arms, so how can I be with him. My heart is heavy and I just hope an answer shows itself soon. I find myself feeling very lonely as of late. I have friends and they're great, but there's that "something" missing.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:59 AM;
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
So, how goes it? The past few weeks have been an experiment in terror. Although I've had alot of fun, the consequences have been less than great. The afore mentioned boy with whom I apparently slept with on the first date didn't really get a fair shake here in Cyberia. There was no date, just a party and a lot of sex. He never made any promises and he never led me astray. However, I do feel compelled to mention that I do enjoy his company aside from the on gettin' of the freak. "It's just sex" I keep telling myself and I believe it. I am well aware that I will almost certainly get hurt in the end, but that's ok.I keep talking in circles about this elusive "other man" who has this strong hold on my heart and I pretend that no one knows to whom I refer....well, the cat's out of the bag, everyone knows. He knows. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I come here to this little corner that belongs to me and I let go. I pour myself a brimming glass of self-pity. And I enjoy it here. I censor myself even here, but I'm more open here than anywhere else. He said to me.... "I don't understand how any one could cause another person that much pain" and then he added, "and if that person is me, how you could look at me and still call me your friend." Talk about big guns. That broke my heart. I never thought of it that way and I still don't. The pain has never been his fault. He is my rock. The foundation on which I have placed everything in my life. He keeps me sane. I may have fractured the foundation, although I'm still not certain what did it. It could have been that events of the last year have been eroding and eating away until this event caused the break. Maybe I'm just a paranoid freak. That's likely. Hopefully we're on the road to recovery. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for rehabilitating a friendship. Just a thought.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:42 PM;
Sunday, February 22, 2004
You know how your mom always said that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, he'll never respect you. She was quite right. That cardinal rule was put into place for good reason. Ya'd think I might learn. Alas, no. It just sucks because I realize the motivation for my stupid moves and still there's nothing I can do. I am frantically searching for diversions...just a fuckin' distraction from the obvious. Nothing works, nothing removes him from my psyche. I say it all the time, but I have to work through this before my whole world flings into upheaval.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:53 PM;
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
He said I will never be what you need. To which I replied...... Nothing. There is nothing left to say to that. I wanted to scream, to cry, sob and weep. To scream ALL I NEED IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME! At that moment I figured that was too much to ask. Now, I realize that it's quite a small request. Love is never too much to ask for. It's what everyone deserves. I have come to this just as I realize that even I am worth more than this. I think about what if someone I cared about loved me as much as I loved him, and I find it hard to imagine not returning that love whole heartedly and with no looking back. Then I ponder the what if I couldn't scenario. I don't like that scenario so much. There's no anger, no regret, no sadness...well, a little sadness, but I finally understand. I finally get it. Honesty. He was honest. I appreciate that, I do. Although appreciation doesn't ease the ache. A broken heart doesn't mend easily, but they do mend. It will mend. I'm good.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:12 AM;
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Oh my. Has it been so long? I guess that it indeed has. So much to say and yet I can't find the words, which really defeats the purpose of this little endeavor. I'm losing sleep as usual.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:36 AM;
