Tuesday, March 30, 2004
So, how goes it? The past few weeks have been an experiment in terror. Although I've had alot of fun, the consequences have been less than great. The afore mentioned boy with whom I apparently slept with on the first date didn't really get a fair shake here in Cyberia. There was no date, just a party and a lot of sex. He never made any promises and he never led me astray. However, I do feel compelled to mention that I do enjoy his company aside from the on gettin' of the freak. "It's just sex" I keep telling myself and I believe it. I am well aware that I will almost certainly get hurt in the end, but that's ok.I keep talking in circles about this elusive "other man" who has this strong hold on my heart and I pretend that no one knows to whom I refer....well, the cat's out of the bag, everyone knows. He knows. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I come here to this little corner that belongs to me and I let go. I pour myself a brimming glass of self-pity. And I enjoy it here. I censor myself even here, but I'm more open here than anywhere else. He said to me.... "I don't understand how any one could cause another person that much pain" and then he added, "and if that person is me, how you could look at me and still call me your friend." Talk about big guns. That broke my heart. I never thought of it that way and I still don't. The pain has never been his fault. He is my rock. The foundation on which I have placed everything in my life. He keeps me sane. I may have fractured the foundation, although I'm still not certain what did it. It could have been that events of the last year have been eroding and eating away until this event caused the break. Maybe I'm just a paranoid freak. That's likely. Hopefully we're on the road to recovery. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for rehabilitating a friendship. Just a thought.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:42 PM;
