Wednesday, April 21, 2004
I've been thinking too much tonight, as usual. I hate that people have to sugar coat things. For instance....that old line "I don't really want to date anyone right now." That translates to "I don't really want to date you." I've gotten that line a couple of times lately and I'm beginning to think that maybe there's something wrong with me. How fucking much do you have to give. I just need to know. There are three men in my life right now in some form or another. The first one loves me, not "in love" with me, and I'm certain of that. He loves me in the dreaded "sisterly" fashion and can never be with me for many varied reasons. All of those reasons are valid and authentic and I understand, but that doesn't make it suck any less. The second is a great guy who I find myself liking more and more even as I shouldn't. He could care less about me and that really sucks as well. Then there's the third man. I've hurt him once before and I know that inevitably I will again. He's a good guy who cares about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and he means it, even when I don't believe it. He says the things that a woman longs to hear, but can never ask for. The other two will never say these things because they don't see them. And that's ok. I don't want to be with #3, but I keep wondering if it's my only chance. He would give anything to wake up with his arms around me and I just keep thinking about how I want to be in someone else's arms, so how can I be with him. My heart is heavy and I just hope an answer shows itself soon. I find myself feeling very lonely as of late. I have friends and they're great, but there's that "something" missing.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:59 AM;
