Monday, July 19, 2004
Oh my.... it has been a while. So much has happened. I have harbored delusions for some time about the fate of my love life. The only person I have ever loved more than I love myself is out of reach. He has made it clear, finally. I think it would be easier to have been clueless. I somehow thought that it would work out in the end. That I would love him so much that he would have no choice but to love me back, that there would be no way round it. I doubt that I will ever love another as much as I will always love him, but alas, I'll move on. I'll pick up my pride and scrape my heart off the pavement and recover. I wonder what the turning point was. I often fear that I was just someone to help hide the truth... deep down I know better, but the fear lies just beneath the surface. I see his face on every man I try to be with. I've always heard that the truth hurts and I always knew that it often applied, but never quite like now. It cuts deep and to the bone, they were small statements, but they were oooozing with truth and there magnitude was undeniable. There is little left to do. I'll return to the role of loyal companion. It's a part I play well, I'll never again let the jealousy or ache show on the surface. I'll be who I knew all along that I was supposed to be.... the friend. That is not a bad thing, I don't mean to sound that way, it's just not what I would have chosen. I will suffocate the flutter of butterflies in my stomach and I won't catch my breath at the sight of him. Platonic Bliss shall be mine..... I picture myself saying that on a mountain top with my fist in the air and then bursting into peels of laughter. I can always laugh... there is always humor my friends... always.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:24 AM;
