Have words, will babble.

Monday, June 30, 2003

YOU MUST SPONSOR JETT!!!!!!!
Blogathon is steadily approaching and I know that we could all use some good karma, so GIVE, GIVE, GIVE! It can't hurt and you might help someone. I didn't give much, but I gave what I could. I know that Jett is good for some shits and giggles, she might even make us think. Sponsor her cuz I said so!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:27 AM;

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Leslie Makinababy is having a boy. We so wanted a girl, but a boy will be fun. She harbors delusions that I will someday birth a daughter and that our children will get married and make us a bunch of grand-babies. Now, we all know that April Love is not entirely down with all this baby havin' hoo-ha. But, I let Mrs. Makinababy keep talkin' as to not upset her. I'm ecstatic, it's the first baby in our immediate group of friends. We're all like a family, so we're a bunch of aunts and uncles. October, that's the month for D-day.
Good times!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:13 AM;

Friday, June 20, 2003

Sometimes a fun, little, upbeat song can knock you on your ass when you least expect it.
We could go out and not even leave the house / A TV set and a bottle of wine is just fine / Making out on that old pull out couch / Watching Saturday Night Live.
Coyote Shivers--Sugarhigh
These words convey perfection. Everything that I need, well if you add a blazing sunrise, rests in those simple lyrics.
SNL, wine, and sucking face.....It don't get much better than that.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:42 AM;

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Ok kiddies. I always get a kick out of my referrals, but I don't share them with my very small, but noble and loyal nontheless, readership. They're usually just searches for lyrics from bands that I've linked. Okay, one of the three bands that I shamelessly promote, but you get the idea. Nothing interesting, until now. First of all, when Beaten and left for dead was googled, my little site found it's way into the heap of results. Strange? Just a little. It gets worse. I found that several weeks ago, someone was referred to my site by googling Girl Fucker Father. Good one. That makes me let out a great big 'ole chuckle. Enjoy.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:03 AM;

Sunday, June 15, 2003

So, I'm feelin' all angsty lately. I can't really describe it. I'm happy all together, but angsty all the same. I've had all these epiphanies of late. They are as follows:
1.) I must forego exstensive therapy to cure my major malfunction.
2.) The thing that I want most is the one fuckin' thing I can NOT have.
My major malfunction has forever been present, but became all too clear last night at a bar. I'm hangin' out, looking for potential ~~sexual conquests~~ boyfriends, when across the bar and down the stairs, I see him. He has April Love written all over him. I'm serious, ALL over him in red letters and in ariel font, no italics. He was kinda short, kinda chubby (which I love), with blond hair. He was wearing nice clothes (which I could care less about) and wire rimmed glasses, adorable is all that I can say. My first clue was that his shoes painstakingly matched his ensemble. My next clue was when I noticed the people in his group. A group of cute, chubby girls. It was as though I were looking square in the mirror.....Fag-hags. Oh, it hurt. It's a pain that is all too familiar. As soon as I walk into a room I am spotted and found, or vice versa. It's fun at times, but it's the curse of my life. The gay man loves me, it's in his blood. There is nothing to be done, he just can't help it, it's like the moth to the flame. It's the same with the fag-hag. Much as we try to find "a good, straight boy" to settle down with, there we are on Saturday night, at the gay bar, hoping to find Mr. Right, who just happens to be tagging along with his best friend instead of going to the football, beer and pretzels place he usually frequents.....Not a fuckin' chance. You do hear the occasional fairy tale about a hag that finds a man and all is well, but it's very rare. It sounds as though I'm bitter, but I'm really not. It's ok, I'm just trying to stop harboring delusions about my fate.
Then there is the issue about what I want. There is really only one thing I want or need, and it's out of the question. I'm working past it. Sometimes you just have to let something go, that's what I'm working on now. I am painfully aware of what I have to do. It'll all be fine.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 11:58 PM;

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Today I am more scared than I have ever been. There are obvious things that come with living that scare me, but it's the smaller stuff that seems to be kicking my ass. The other day I was damn near giddy. Don't get me wrong, I want to be happy, but it scares the shit out of me because I am certain that I'll fuck it up. I'm afraid that in order to move forward, I'll be forced to ruin what I have now. Does any of this dribble make any sense? Probably not. My life seems to be going pretty well for the time being. I'm broke financially, I have no negotiable trade, but I'm kind of happy.
Yesterday I found out that someone who barely knows me, hates me. I got really upset about it and cried. Then I realized how very little that matters in the whole scheme of things. I have to try and not let these unavoidable things get me down. I have so many things going well for me. I am nowhere near graduating from college, but I am attending. I have the greatest best friend that any human could beg for, he astounds me. I have great friends that are like a family. What the hell do I have to be glum about? Right? Right.
Maybe I don't crave the chaos anymore. Who knows.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:38 PM;

Saturday, June 07, 2003

So, I discovered another great band. Channel Zero, from Florida, rocked my socks off. They are a great, laid-back, rock band. You should check 'em out. The guys in the band were great too. I dig their sound.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:24 PM;

Sunday, June 01, 2003

I sit here awake while I should be sleeping. I'm down to three potential hours to sleep. I can't make myself sleep. I lie in bed thinking about my last relationship. It was not ideal, but I miss so many things about that part of my life. Most of all, I miss being someone's someone special. I miss being able to just kiss that person and not fear that I have crossed some invisible line. A kiss can be so intimate, sometimes even more so than sex.
So, my heart is heavy. I realized that you can spend two years convincing yourself and the rest of the people in your life that you're in love with someone. It just sucks when the realization and reality hit. The fact that you never were in love with the person in question. I mean, I loved him as much as you can love someone that you're with, but never was I in love with him. It's taken me years to realize what being in love with someone would entail. I'm trying to figure out if being alone for the rest of my life would be so bad. I get so frustrated, it's always on my mind. I get all wound up and then take it out on the most important people in my life before I realize what I've done. I'm still trying to decide where exactly it is that I go from here. Then, I think "Where is here? Where am I as far as my life goes? I'll find it. I will.
I still remember the first time that he kissed me. I remember the place, the feel of his skin, the way the sun was shining on his face. My knees almost buckled beneath me, my heart almost pounded out of my chest, and my stomach filled with butterflies. That day, I knew that I was in trouble. I knew that I was in love with you. That kiss meant nothing to you, but it forever changed my life. The butterflies and weakness and raised pulse returned with every kiss that followed the first.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:38 AM;