Have words, will babble.

  Sunday, December 14, 2003

I'm a fuckin' loser. It's true. I have neglected my dear bloggidy blog....so sad.

There has been much turmoil in the world of April Love. I have found myself alienating myself from the people that I love most in a feeble attempt to get things together. I've decided to drop out of college.....AGAIN, and I plan to attend cosmetology school. I've heard the laughs from those around me, but I don't care. I've thought it through....I have a plan. I just finished Scrooge the Musical and considering the hell that insued in putting it together, it turned out ok. I got to kiss ChristoCarto on stage again and that's always fun. I just auditioned for Jekyll & Hyde and it went quite well....there's talk of a good role for me...here's hopin'.

My skin feels heavy and I'm trying to pull through. I have to work out some insane feelings....I've got to get past it.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:00 AM;

  Wednesday, October 29, 2003

So, I kinda met a guy. I don't really know how to feel about that. He seems relatively sane and quite nice. In a way it feels wrong. I can't explain this insanity, just trust me on this one. I've spent so long pouring my efforts into other facets of my life that I feel a bit strange with this new thing in my life. It's nothing yet, but it may become something, whatever that means. I just know that in the end this will be unfair to this new person because I can't give my whole heart to someone. Parts of the ole ticker are already in possession by others. That sounds so juvenile, but it's true all the same. So, I'm just going with the flow for now. Why should I deprive myself of some fun for now because of these ridiculous fears that only impact some speculative event that may never even be.
There ya go.

On to happier trails.....

HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!

My favorite day of the year! The only day that can bring justice for the tragedy that is that stupid fuckin' day in February that remains nameless. I'm ecstatic! Of course, I have a fabulous costume. Plans remain tentative, but it'll be super I'm sure.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:50 AM;

The trip was quite fabulous. There was much merry-making and if I had the capability to post pictures I would place the photo of us on our way to the show...it was HOTT! Anywho...I digress.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:35 AM;

  Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Today I had jury duty. I was excused. Cool. Whatever.

Thursday I will be enjoying the exploits of Eddie Izzard in the lovely state of Ohio. I'm quite ecstatic about it....Joining me will be GaiaMary and ChristoCarto...Good Times! Ten hours of driving should be fun.

In other news.....Leslie Makinababy is now Leslie Hasababy. Clearly she's gonna wrap it up from now on. Yes, our boy is here. He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. And, I don't think that I'm at all biased.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:45 PM;

  Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Unfortunately I have been thinking for days now and that can never be good. There are so many things in my everyday life that I must let go of. Things that will drive me nuts if I don't. I hold on to so many stupid things. Material things and emotional things. I have finally figured out that what we hear people say is not always what they mean. I think that I often hear what I need to hear. I have let myself believe that things can happen, but they really never can. I have such high hopes and such vast dreams....I like it that way, I just want to be prepared for the inevitable fallout.

I was as low as I could possibly be not so long ago. I felt that place creeping back upon me recently, but I feel like I can be better than that. I finally feel like I can move on. That I can pick up the pieces of my crumpled, broken life and move forward. I want to find my place amongst this crazy mess. I'm ready for my world to come together and the life that I want to live to become clear.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:04 AM;

  Friday, September 19, 2003

I will turn twenty-five years old before the year's end. Keeping that in mind, you can imagine my shock and dismay when my father informed me that he had "been on a couple of dates with a girl". It was clear by the emphasis on "girl" that I would not be pleased. I replied, "Oh, God." He looked shocked. Like he had not begged for this reaction. I added, "Please tell me that she's not younger than me." He assured me that she is not.....she's twenty-eight. She could be my sister. I'll admit it, this is weird for me. My last step-mother, who I love, is considerably younger than my father, but not young enough to be his daughter. I haven't met new girl yet. I'm not quite sure how that's gonna work out. The last time I experienced my father's dating life, I was a child of twelve. It didn't really affect me. Hell, I was trying to accept suddenly having two homes. Fuck bothering myself with who my dad had lined up for marriage #2. It was just fun to go to nice dinners and movies with whatever mystery girls happened to also have kids. But this time it's a little different. I consider my step-brothers to be my brothers. It's been that way for twelve years. They were just babies when they came into my life and I really love my step-mother. I don't want any of us to be unhappy, but I also have a hard time dealing with this fracture in my family structure.

Dad already has potential #3's lined up. Here we go.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:46 PM;

  Wednesday, September 17, 2003

I can't do this anymore. Nothing has ever hurt this badly. It feels like a cinder block is sitting on my chest. I wish that I could pull through the lava that fills my head. What can I do? How can I change things? It's happening again and I'm more scared than I have ever been.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:39 AM;

  Sunday, September 14, 2003

So much has come to light the past few weeks. I think that I may be a better person because of it, but it's still new and I can't possibly be sure yet. I feel my life beginning to shift and change and I don't quite know if it's a good thing. I'm just trying to let things take there natural course.

The Dashboard Confessional show was awesome. One of the best shows I've been to. I thought that I would include a little sample of one of my favorites.

I heard about your trip. I heard about your souvenirs. I heard aboout the cool breeze, in the cool nights, and the cool guys that you spent them with. I heard about your regrets. I heard that you were feeling sorry. I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us. Well I guess I should have heard of them from you. Don't you see that the charade is over? And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you. So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away. I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers. I'll be all right when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone. I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice. You're calling too late, too late to be gracious and you do not warrant long good-byes. You're calling too late.
The Best Deceptions--Dashboard Confessional
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:32 PM;

  Sunday, August 31, 2003

I am thrilled! I just got tickets to see Dashboard Confessional in HOT-lanta! My girl Jade-Lo will be joining me as she has purchased a ticket. There will be much joy and merry-making! Good times! I could just about piss my pants! That is the only event that could have salvaged this otherwise shit day.

It appears that some of my worst fears will be coming to fruition in the coming weeks. Send happy vibes out into the realm for me....I need all the help that I can get at this point.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 9:29 PM;

  Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I wrote this about a boy I once thought I loved. To read it, makes me feel pathetic. The tragedy is that it was not so long ago that my heart was used to the pain described herein. It's good to know that today is a new day.

Have you ever wanted to kiss someone so badly that you ached for their lips to melt into yours like molten metal? For your lips and their lips to be forged together for eternity. He makes my heart ache and my soul quiver. My pain has become real. It has manifested into the physical. Like a headache or a broken bone. I wish that it had just remained an emotional yearning. It's a dull pain, like the sinuses of my heart long for relief. The damn of it all is that there is no pill to be taken, no prescription to help. Why does it never end? It's a ceaseless cycle. There is no closure within view. He is the only cure. To be with him, to have him. He is my only hope.

It's hard to believe that I could feel that way. I'm stronger than that. I realize that now.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:05 AM;

  Thursday, August 07, 2003

There was an incident when I last loved a dog. Apparently it has softened my feelings for the little critters. I actually carried much distaste for the canines of the planet, but cest la vie. I got a dog today. A puppy actually, and she is so damn adorable! Her name is Dizzy, in honor of one of my and ChristoCarto's favorite obsessions....Strangers with Candy. If you've never seen it...Shame on YOU!

ANYWAY...I love my dog. Damn it.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:46 AM;

  Saturday, August 02, 2003

Don't call me/Don't write/Don't show up in the middle of the night/You know that/We needed/Some time and space to breathe in/

I still recall the words you said to me/It's what you did not say that sets me free/

Now how can I/Find peace of mind/When you keep coming back again/It's not okay/For you to play/This game of seesaw with my head/

Now it hurts too much/And it hits too hard/And I won't play this part/

So now I say the things I want to say/Sometimes it's better letting go this way/I'll always know/Down in my soul/We really had to far to go/I've given all I have to give/And now it's time for me to live/

And I won't look back/And I won't regret/Though it hurts like hell/Someday I will forget.

Letting Go, Sozzi

Maybe that was a little sad bastard, but there was a time when I could really relate to those words. I've come a long way, but today I just needed to hear it again.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:50 AM;

There was a disturbing dream and much contemplation on the meaning. I dreamed someone from my past was in the here and now. It would have been a ridiculous notion had it crossed my mind in the waking hours. He came to me spewing forth the bullshit that he is famous for....you know the type, he always knew what I wanted to hear and filled me full of it. There was a time when I thought it was true and that I would never hear such sweet words again. It was one of those dreams that confuses space and time. I knew where I was in the dream, but it didn't look like that place, and I knew who I was talking to, but he looked like someone else. He sounded like the asshole I once knew and loved, but he appeared as my dearest friend that I now know and love who would never disrespect me the way he had in the past. It's the damnedest thing. I may never understand my subconcious and why it seemed to want to fuck with me that night.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:38 AM;

  Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Well, let's see....

I lost my karaoke virginity this evening. My friends maintain that I did a fabulous job, but I harbor my doubts. The adrenaline was pretty intense, which was cool.

I'm in a funk tonight for no apparent reason. There are just some aspects of my life that are not as I would prefer them to be. It eats me up because I can't figure out for the life of me how to change things. To take the steps required, would alter my life far too much to be feesible. What to do, what to do? I wish that I fuckin' knew. Ah, it'll all work out in time, which is something that I never have enough of. I wish that at opportune moments for me to say the things that must be said that I could just open my mouth and have the words spring forth. Unfortunately, I am far too timid for such a feat.

Fuck it.

By the way, I fuckin' hate italics. Why do I insist on using them?
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:27 AM;

  Saturday, July 26, 2003

I've been thinking a lot today (Which I realize is always a hazard). I was in the car today with a good friend, and I looked out over the lake as we crossed the bridge, and I said to ChristoCarto very matter of fact like, "I would love to be standing on that bridge in about thirty minutes." He concurred that that would indeed be most fabulous. The sun was just beginning to set and the blazing sun was reflecting off the water in the still daylight sky. It was breath-taking. There has been much reflection today, as it was a day filled with reminders of birth as well as death. In that moment on that bridge it became clear just how fortunate I have been thus far in my life. I have experienced much love in my life and I am ever grateful for those experiences. Not just romantic love, but those tend to be the ones that really change us. I have loved with passion that is indescribable and that is worth more than I had imagined. I have been loved with that same passion, and although it was fleeting, I wouldn't change a thing. Mistakes have been made, some that I tend to be ashamed of and some that I would damn near boast about if given the chance, but everything falls together. The pains and the hurts and the heartbreak have all forged together to make me the person I am today. Some days I love that person, and even as conceited as I tend to be, some days I hate this girl I see in the mirror. But, those days grow fewer the older I get. I've always talked about that one thing that we wait our entire lives for, and what is it that we do with it when we find it. I think I finally get that it's always there, that we just have to see it and grab it. I realized today that those blazing sunsets that I claim to love really are what it's all about. I want to take the time to take pleasure in the beauty around me. I wish that I could share with the people in my life exactly how it is that they've shaped my being, and just how much they mean to me, but I seem to have trouble with that. To the few of you that I see in life, but you also silently meander in and out of my little corner here.....I love you all. You have molded some part of my soul. You are all in my heart.

It's been a strange day, but a good day on some level.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:53 AM;

  Tuesday, July 15, 2003

I love a good indie flick, I do. But, I have to admit that I'm a whore for a good summer blockbuster, high budget, ridiculously action packed movie. Last night I had the pleasure of seeing The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, it rocked! Oh yes, it was great. My Baby's Daddy Shane West is fabulous in it. It goes without saying that Sean Connerry was great too. Thursday, I will be seeing another summer blockbuster film. I'm a little more skeptical about this one, but if nothing else, the special effects should be awesome. Oh yes, none other than Pirates of the Carribean. Ya know, even if it sucks, it's gonna be a "hot boy fest!" HEY! Back off! I am a fuckin' girl after all. Gimme a break!

I found that my favorite person to see movies in the theater with is my friend Jade-Lo. She talks just as much as I do. We had our own little commentary going during League. It was really funny because we were the only people who even reacted to anything in the film. There are some quite humorous parts and we were the only ones that laughed...we were the only ones that gasped at the appropriate moments or "ahhhed" or "oooohed". What the fuck is wrong with these crazy bastards at the movies?

As I write, the Barenaked Ladies are playing on Saturday Night Live. They rock.

One of my favorite bands playing on one of my favorite shows.....
It's a GOOD day!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:02 PM;

  Monday, July 07, 2003

I will never love another as much as I love you.
That is so unfair.
You have already loved others more than you love me and will again.
I just couldn't be enough for you.
I want to share my life with someone.
I feel like I'm at a dead end slamming my heart into a brick wall.
A new beginning is what I have to find.

Men are such pig fuckers.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:55 PM;

  Monday, June 30, 2003

YOU MUST SPONSOR JETT!!!!!!!

Blogathon is steadily approaching and I know that we could all use some good karma, so GIVE, GIVE, GIVE! It can't hurt and you might help someone. I didn't give much, but I gave what I could. I know that Jett is good for some shits and giggles, she might even make us think. Sponsor her cuz I said so!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:27 AM;

  Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Leslie Makinababy is having a boy. We so wanted a girl, but a boy will be fun. She harbors delusions that I will someday birth a daughter and that our children will get married and make us a bunch of grand-babies. Now, we all know that April Love is not entirely down with all this baby havin' hoo-ha. But, I let Mrs. Makinababy keep talkin' as to not upset her. I'm ecstatic, it's the first baby in our immediate group of friends. We're all like a family, so we're a bunch of aunts and uncles. October, that's the month for D-day.

Good times!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:13 AM;

  Friday, June 20, 2003

Sometimes a fun, little, upbeat song can knock you on your ass when you least expect it.

We could go out and not even leave the house / A TV set and a bottle of wine is just fine / Making out on that old pull out couch / Watching Saturday Night Live.
Coyote Shivers--Sugarhigh

These words convey perfection. Everything that I need, well if you add a blazing sunrise, rests in those simple lyrics.

SNL, wine, and sucking face.....It don't get much better than that.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:42 AM;

  Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Ok kiddies. I always get a kick out of my referrals, but I don't share them with my very small, but noble and loyal nontheless, readership. They're usually just searches for lyrics from bands that I've linked. Okay, one of the three bands that I shamelessly promote, but you get the idea. Nothing interesting, until now. First of all, when Beaten and left for dead was googled, my little site found it's way into the heap of results. Strange? Just a little. It gets worse. I found that several weeks ago, someone was referred to my site by googling Girl Fucker Father. Good one. That makes me let out a great big 'ole chuckle. Enjoy.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:03 AM;

  Sunday, June 15, 2003

So, I'm feelin' all angsty lately. I can't really describe it. I'm happy all together, but angsty all the same. I've had all these epiphanies of late. They are as follows:

1.) I must forego exstensive therapy to cure my major malfunction.
2.) The thing that I want most is the one fuckin' thing I can NOT have.

My major malfunction has forever been present, but became all too clear last night at a bar. I'm hangin' out, looking for potential sexual conquests boyfriends, when across the bar and down the stairs, I see him. He has April Love written all over him. I'm serious, ALL over him in red letters and in ariel font, no italics. He was kinda short, kinda chubby (which I love), with blond hair. He was wearing nice clothes (which I could care less about) and wire rimmed glasses, adorable is all that I can say. My first clue was that his shoes painstakingly matched his ensemble. My next clue was when I noticed the people in his group. A group of cute, chubby girls. It was as though I were looking square in the mirror.....Fag-hags. Oh, it hurt. It's a pain that is all too familiar. As soon as I walk into a room I am spotted and found, or vice versa. It's fun at times, but it's the curse of my life. The gay man loves me, it's in his blood. There is nothing to be done, he just can't help it, it's like the moth to the flame. It's the same with the fag-hag. Much as we try to find "a good, straight boy" to settle down with, there we are on Saturday night, at the gay bar, hoping to find Mr. Right, who just happens to be tagging along with his best friend instead of going to the football, beer and pretzels place he usually frequents.....Not a fuckin' chance. You do hear the occasional fairy tale about a hag that finds a man and all is well, but it's very rare. It sounds as though I'm bitter, but I'm really not. It's ok, I'm just trying to stop harboring delusions about my fate.

Then there is the issue about what I want. There is really only one thing I want or need, and it's out of the question. I'm working past it. Sometimes you just have to let something go, that's what I'm working on now. I am painfully aware of what I have to do. It'll all be fine.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 11:58 PM;

  Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Today I am more scared than I have ever been. There are obvious things that come with living that scare me, but it's the smaller stuff that seems to be kicking my ass. The other day I was damn near giddy. Don't get me wrong, I want to be happy, but it scares the shit out of me because I am certain that I'll fuck it up. I'm afraid that in order to move forward, I'll be forced to ruin what I have now. Does any of this dribble make any sense? Probably not. My life seems to be going pretty well for the time being. I'm broke financially, I have no negotiable trade, but I'm kind of happy.

Yesterday I found out that someone who barely knows me, hates me. I got really upset about it and cried. Then I realized how very little that matters in the whole scheme of things. I have to try and not let these unavoidable things get me down. I have so many things going well for me. I am nowhere near graduating from college, but I am attending. I have the greatest best friend that any human could beg for, he astounds me. I have great friends that are like a family. What the hell do I have to be glum about? Right? Right.

Maybe I don't crave the chaos anymore. Who knows.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:38 PM;

  Saturday, June 07, 2003

So, I discovered another great band. Channel Zero, from Florida, rocked my socks off. They are a great, laid-back, rock band. You should check 'em out. The guys in the band were great too. I dig their sound.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:24 PM;

  Sunday, June 01, 2003

I sit here awake while I should be sleeping. I'm down to three potential hours to sleep. I can't make myself sleep. I lie in bed thinking about my last relationship. It was not ideal, but I miss so many things about that part of my life. Most of all, I miss being someone's someone special. I miss being able to just kiss that person and not fear that I have crossed some invisible line. A kiss can be so intimate, sometimes even more so than sex.
So, my heart is heavy. I realized that you can spend two years convincing yourself and the rest of the people in your life that you're in love with someone. It just sucks when the realization and reality hit. The fact that you never were in love with the person in question. I mean, I loved him as much as you can love someone that you're with, but never was I in love with him. It's taken me years to realize what being in love with someone would entail. I'm trying to figure out if being alone for the rest of my life would be so bad. I get so frustrated, it's always on my mind. I get all wound up and then take it out on the most important people in my life before I realize what I've done. I'm still trying to decide where exactly it is that I go from here. Then, I think "Where is here? Where am I as far as my life goes? I'll find it. I will.

I still remember the first time that he kissed me. I remember the place, the feel of his skin, the way the sun was shining on his face. My knees almost buckled beneath me, my heart almost pounded out of my chest, and my stomach filled with butterflies. That day, I knew that I was in trouble. I knew that I was in love with you. That kiss meant nothing to you, but it forever changed my life. The butterflies and weakness and raised pulse returned with every kiss that followed the first.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:38 AM;

  Thursday, May 29, 2003

There is a person in my life that means more to me than anyone I have ever come in contact with. I tell him often that he means a lot to me, but I don't think that he realizes just how important he is in my life. He is the most talented and incredible person I have ever met. The funny thing is that he is so modest. I can't tell him enough how great he is, because he doesn't buy it. I feel privileged to just be an innocent bystander in his life. I am really lucky to have so many great people in my life, especially him. It's a good day.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:02 AM;

I very rarely get attached to animals. The reason is a bit complicated, so I will dispence upon you the abridged version. I am an extremely emotional person and I realize that animals often die, so to not have nervous breakdowns every day I distance myself from my pets. I get enough shit from humans. My friend Leslie Makinababy has a little dog. She is the cutest thing you've ever seen. She actually hugs you. I hated this dog for months and then her sweet temper won me over. I love that dog. She was our child. Leslie was Mom, I was step-mom, and our dear ChristoCarto was the Daddy. It sounds sick and twisted, but it was really quite stable. Yesterday some evil bastard purposely ran over our baby in front of a yard full of children. I hope the asshole burns in hell. No more pets for me.

Rest in Peace, Peepers.....We Love You.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:30 AM;

  Tuesday, May 20, 2003

This evening I witnessed a tragedy worthy of the Bard himself. At my local pre-teen accessory haven, where I am notsogainfully employed, in walk a couple. Cute guy, approximately eighteen. Cute girl, obviously younger. They meander around my little corner of retail looking passively at this and that. When suddenly, cute girl picks up an adolescent Spongebob Squarepants stationary set and coos to cute boy, "I'll get you this, so that you can write and tell me everything about college." Cute boy replied, "Baby," in the sweetest voice that I had ever heard. The tragedy is that,even I, non-cynical of emotion as I am, heard the level of dishonesty in cute boy's tone of voice. The sugar was so fake that I wanted to scream "SWEET & LOW BASTARD!" He may as well have said, "Baby, I'll leave out the part aboout college that details keggers and one night stands. I love you." Cute girl totally bought it. She was hosed. I have to forgive her on the grounds that she is sixteen and in love with a dipshit.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 11:32 PM;

  Tuesday, May 13, 2003

As a child, I didn't really watch cartoons. It's strange, I know. Last night I watched Secret of N.I.M.H., and it was good stuff. My pals ChristoCarto, Miss Candy and Leslie Makinababy were onhand for the event, and it was good times.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:20 PM;

  Saturday, May 10, 2003

The hardest thing I've ever had to do is say the things that are difficult to voice. The funny thing is that I didn't really say them, I kind of tip-toed around them and let the words be interpretted as the receiver found fit, I don't know if it was an accurate reading or not. I pour emotion out to a scrap of paper, but when the flesh and blood inspiration for everything good that is in me is in my presence, I can't say the things that sit on the "tip of my tongue."
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:39 AM;

  Wednesday, May 07, 2003

I was browsing through my library of music today and I came across an old favorite. Not really old, but I hadn't thought about it in a while. My dear Johnny Lang. That boy tears my crack out! The emotion in his voice just racks me. Here's a snippit....

I know you lost your faith in me, but I still believe. Can I make you understand? Can I make you see? I am desperate for your love and it's breakin' me.

My crack is on the floor. I'm just sayin'.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:52 AM;

  Tuesday, May 06, 2003

My aunt has a vintage 1978 Mercedes Roadster convertible. It's a fabulous, subdued shade of yellow. For as long as I can remember, I admired that car from afar. It was made the same year that I was and that just made it even more special. When I turned 16, I got to drive it. I'll never forget the feel of sliding into that worn leather seat. I felt like a princess on her throan. I still remember the feeling of the wind in my hair and how at that moment I felt free. Driving that car down a highway that ran along the shoreline of Myrtle Beach. I wish that I could run away today and let the top down and drive. This time I would turn the radio up and blast A Lifetime or This Time of Year by Better Than Ezra, but if I found myself in some torrid love affair I would choose the Indigo Girls cover of Joan Armatrading's The Weakness in Me. It would be a good day. I fear that I would look back just in time to still remember why it was that I left and turn that car around and stomp the gas and run back to it. The thing I want to escape is the one thing that I crave and desire. The hunger is overwhelming.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:22 AM;

  Monday, May 05, 2003

I find that relationships, romantic ones at least, go through a cycle. It's much like the explosion of a star. There is the initial bright blast that is pretty and twinkly. That's the time when everything is new and there seems to be no end to the happiness. You are certain that it will be this way forever and sometimes it is. More times than not though, there comes the final explosion, the beginning of the demise. The middle of the road. Some days are passionate and good, others are just bad, albeit still filled with passion, just not the good kind. Then, there's the end.....the inevitable end. A star shines in the sky for years after it dissapates, that's a lot like the residue of a failed relationship. It burns us and shines in our skies for years and sometimes forever. It takes a strong person to not hold onto the hurts and the betrayals that come in this life. I hope that I turn out to be that strong. Sometimes I feel like I dwell on bad things and subconciously crave it. I'm noticing all of my fatal flaws these days, but I'm trying diligently to remove some of them from my routine. It's a little disheartening to realize that I'm this extremely selfish person, and that I never realized it sooner. I love the people in my life so much, and I've been listening to myself talk as of late and I wonder why they stick around. But, Thanks, because they do. There's hope for me yet.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:18 AM;

My family and I finally got ourselves moved. It takes time to get yourself out to the Land of Rednecks. It's not quite as horrible as I had anticipated.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:03 AM;

  Saturday, May 03, 2003

Have you ever had a lapse in judgement that is so huge that you wonder if you should be allowed to continue to move about the world un-monitored? I had one of those last night. It was all in good bad fun, until I realized the repurcussions (sp.?) of said actions. Although there was the inevitable drama today, I find that some things have been brought to light that have made my burden much lighter, for now anyway. There are things that are still as clear as a rich, frothy pint of ale, but there is at least progress. It's tough when you find yourself even more confused than before. That's where I am now, but the path will light itself soon. Maybe one fine day here in my little corner of Cyberia, I'll be able to share all the gory details with you, my noble readership.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:14 PM;

  Friday, April 25, 2003

Jade-Lo and I have been partaking of cheerleader beer tonight and Candy has had lots of beer and the boys don't complain. We're all naked and getting drunker by the minute. It's Good Times! Good night all! There will be much merry-making tonight!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:36 AM;

  Thursday, April 24, 2003

Sorry for the melodrama as of late. Joseph has ended and I find myself in a state of restless unease. I auditioned for a summer show, but my audition was a disaster at best. There is a reason for everything, or so I've been told. Joseph turned out to be a really great experience and I'm a little meloncholy at the thought of it being over.

My family and I are moving to another house in a city that God forgot. It's all for the best though. My room is red, Scarlet Fire to be exact, that's a plus.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:45 PM;

  Sunday, April 13, 2003

What do you do when your life crumbles within the confines of a single sentence? Noble readership, wherever and whomever you may be, I ask you to give me your input. I thought that I had found that something that makes waking up in the morning worth the fucking trouble. I was ill-advised to say the least. Where the hell do I go from here? I just don't know anymore.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:24 AM;

  Monday, April 07, 2003

Ok kiddos, I don't have a clue what the hell happened on that last post. [ed. note: I fixed that shit, April Love....snoochies, Jett] Let's start over shall we. I saw Will Hoge Saturday night and they, as usual, rocked my socks off. These guys give you the best live show I've ever experienced. You should all go check them out. The lyrics are genuine and touching and everything else that makes you want to be a roadie for a band just to get to be within an arms distance of them. These guys pour their hearts into a show and take the time to hang out with the fans after. Saturday night they actually did an acoustic set outside the venue after legal playing hours were over just because we wanted more. I can't get over what great guys they are. I am not above, but I usually don't promote shamelessly, but I am for these guys. Anyone that loves great music should rush and buy their last two cd's, Carousel and Blackbird on a Lonely Wire. I am so moved by the honesty in the lyrics and how very much that I can relate to most of the songs. Great work guys and thanks for making real music.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:09 PM;

I fucking knew it!!!

Jude Law: you like them romantic and British with
beauiful green eyes.

Which guy are you destined to have sex with?
brought to you by Quizilla
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:59 PM;

  Thursday, April 03, 2003

I am obessed with the color red and always have been. For the last few months, I have realized how much I am like my father's mother whom I never had the chance to meet. I am much like my maternal grandmother, but I am seeing more of Goldie these days. I share her sharp wit and obsession with red, but most of all I share her temper. I can take a lot, but push me to the edge and I can't be held responsible. I can see the pained look in my father's eyes when I know that he has noticed one of these character traits that have lived on in me, his baby. His mother was taken from him by an unknown assailant in his fifteenth year. She was beaten and left for dead. She stayed in a coma for about three years with five teary eyed teenage children begging her to wake up. Lots of people say that she was a bitch. I guess that she was in a way. She always told you what she thought. I am so fortunate to have the DNA of such strong women. I fear that I let them down with every "stupid girl move" that I make. I look remarkably like Goldie. You can see her cheekbones under my round cheeks and I have inherited her eyes that show my every emotion. My father was his mother's baby, and I am certain that no one would be able to stand me had she lived on. She would have made sure that I was spoiled rotten, as if I'm not already. I would loved to have met her and ask her the questions about her life that I have to avoid in order to save my father's sanity. My aunt's are a wealth of knowledge, but it is marred by the time that creates a different picture. They look back at her as the perfect mother and no one is perfect. I wish I could have the entire picture, from her. To hear her talk about what brats my aunts and uncles were and to find out how she met my granddaddy. I just wish that I could talk to her.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:24 AM;

  Wednesday, April 02, 2003

One of my dearest friends has found herself in the midst of a heartache. I know her fairly well and have no doubt that she will fully recover. I came across these lyrics from one of my favorite bands and thought that they were all too appropriate.

Standing tall I still breathe, my heart is nailed to your sleeve. Hurt but living, I'll go on. And every day has it's dawn.

--Adelayda

You know who you are and I love you.

When you put your heart out on the line, it's like plunging into the coldest of waters. As of late, my heart breaks at least once a day. I find that it might just make me stronger. I have remained happily single for about three years now. Lately, I find myself ready for a relationship. I need to pour myself into someone and it mean as much to them as it does to me. I am interested in a couple of people, but ultimately they are not who I want to be with. I've never been the type of person to waste my time dating someone that I can't see a future with, but now I think I'll try it. If I can't have who I want, then I'll have fun while I find a replacement. I'm tired of being alone. I feel most fulfilled when I have someone to nurture. Not like a mother, but the way you nurture someone that you love. The last year and a half has been the happiest I have had in a long time, but I'm not happy now. I have focused on things that will never come to frution. It's time for me to be realistic. I will spend the rest of my life recovering from what I have put my heart through this year.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:13 AM;

  Saturday, March 29, 2003

I think I must have lied without realizing. Anybody that knows me, knows that this is a load of hoo-ha.

You have indigo hair. You are thoughtful, deep, and
sometimes solemn. You are a very centered and
serious person, always looking for an answer.

What is your inner anime hair color?
brought to you by Quizilla

Interesting huh? I am anything but solemn and centered...maybe I'm solemn and centered today, so the quiz was, in fact, accurate. hmmmmm.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:45 PM;

  Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Ok Cyberia...Here is a first. I am opening a door that I may hope to slam after it is done. Here is an excerpt from the book I've been writing. It's only for my own therapy, but I chose to let you people in, so here goes.

Here I am, in New York City. Somehow I have found myself in a one room apartment located in the heart of the city that never sleeps. New York is like a heartbeat. It pulses through my veins like blood. It pumps through my heart. It's a passion and it keeps me alive. As I look down the spiderweb of streets, I become painfully aware that I have never truly let air flow through my lungs. For the first time, I am whole and fully breathing. I am finally home.

There it is. Don't be too brutal.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:44 AM;

Rehearsals for Joseph are getting hard core. Our tyrant director is not the warmest lady I've ever met. She loves to say "Fuck" in front of the five year olds in the show. That's fun.

In other news, I'm gettin' all tan and hot for the impending summer. This is the last summer all of my homies and I will be together. Everyone is heading their respective ways and I wish them all well. The thing is, that these people saved my life. I found myself home one summer after two years away. I was broken-hearted and alone. I hadn't drawn or painted anything in years, and I hadn't acted in even longer. After a hazy couple of years of bad decision making on my part, I landed myself in a theatre appreciation class with one the most inspiring men I will ever meet as my teacher. Somewhere along the way that semester, I realized how very much I had missed being on stage. I did my first return show the next semester. Through theater, I met all of these phenomenal people. They are my heart. We are like a family and I don't know how I would survive without them. They came into my life at a time when it was difficult to just wake up in the morning, especially one (You know who you are ;) ).
When I'm on stage, it's the only time that I feel completely at home. All the things that drag me down all day suddenly stop to matter. It's the most beautiful thing I have experienced. It's almost like falling in love for the first time. When you stand in the wings, you feel all nervous and naucious, there are butterflies in your stomach like when you spot that person from across the room. When you step onto the stage, you feel like you will actually vomit, but it's a great feeling at the same time, kinda like talking to that person. Then you get comfortable and everything feels perfect, but you're aware of every little mistake that no one else sees. Then when you step off of the stage and it's over, it feels like you've left a piece of yourself and your heart on that stage.
I can't imagine being happy anywhere else, or doing anything else.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:20 AM;

  Monday, March 24, 2003

When you are Hopelessly Drunk^tm and leave your big-ole glass of ice water across the room, that is a Very Bad Thing^tm.
Jett Superior just very nearly sassed you at 1:04 AM;

  Sunday, March 23, 2003

Boy howdy, I'm drunk (or, as we would say here in The Glorious South^tm, "DRAWNK").

Pardon the interruption, Miss April Love, I may very well be out of line posting this here on your blog, but a girl's gotta vent, now....
Jett Superior just very nearly sassed you at 11:46 PM;

  Friday, March 21, 2003

The Land of Retail--in one scene by April Love

There was an incident.
Yesterday, as I was catering to the preteen jewelry needs of the South, I met Satan. My manager and I had taken on the task of spiffing up our store for a powers that be visit. We were rockin' the suburbs. As it neared time to close up shop, at five minutes till close, a woman (Satan) and a child (Spawn of Satan) entered my little retail haven. Now, I can handle a lagging customer after hours, no biggie, but the bitch sassed me. She SOOO did. First she said, in the bitchiest fashion imaginable, "Where are the baskets?" Normally I would have rushed over and fetched one for her, but Nay Nay! I said, "They are next to the door." So, as I get more and more agitated, she shops slower and slower. The final straw....She slings her baskets of shit on the back of the counter where I am preparing my deposit. Keep in mind that the front counter, where this shit obviously goes, is vacant. Here comes the final straw....."Could you clear out a space for me to count." Of course that doesn't sound so bad, but the tone of voice. It was rude, and oozing with "you are my subservient retail piece of shit." I was not happy and then as I unlocked the door at a half hour past closing, she stood in my store talking on her DAMN cell phone. Why do I love retail??
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:49 PM;

  Wednesday, March 19, 2003

The boy that I almost married crossed my mind today. It became painfully obvious that I was never in love with him. I loved him, a part of me always will love him. I realized that I loved him because he loved me. Towards the end, I loved him because I thought that I would never find anyone to love me again. It's a sad revelation, but I'm glad that I finally understand it all. I have wondered so many times why I stuck it out for so long and now I know. I still to this day fear that I won't find anyone else, but if I don't that's ok too.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:31 AM;

  Saturday, March 15, 2003

I once fell in love with a man that was emotionally unavailable. He was everything I had ever hoped or prayed to find. I loved him simply and completely, the way that you should love another. I am quite certain that he loved me as well, but our respective issues left our relationship (or lack there of) in ruins.

I had an epiphany as I showered the other day. I think that although we maintain that we want to be happy, we really don't. By we, I am referring to the huddled masses, everybody. Every time that I think I've found that infathomable happiness, something shitty happens and I realize it was just a mirage in the desert of heartache. I wonder if we settle for less than we want, to avoid the inevitable fall.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:05 PM;

  Monday, March 10, 2003

My mother assures me that I am becoming my grandmother, Mema to be exact. She thinks that this observation will "whip me into shape," but in reality I'm quite honored to be compared to Mema. My grandmother is the second funniest person I've ever met. She says what she wants to say and doesn't give a shit what people think of that. I love that about her. I actually wish I were more like her in that respect. She is beautiful and never saw a trace of gray hair in her head until she was sixty-five. I remember as a child, looking at my grandmother and praying an earnest prayer to the heavens. I begged the powers that be to please, please let me grow old as gracefully as Mema. She claims to hate men, it's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. She used to go on occasional "dates" with a man we all loved. I would tease her and call him "paw-paw". That really got her going. To say the least, that pseudo-relationship didn't last long. I still call him paw-paw if I see him, and she acts like it pisses her off, but I see her smirk. Once, she met one of my male friends and said to me, "I wouldn't give a one of 'em the time of day, but if you have to have one around, I guess he's alright." God, she kills me. She has successfully given all my cousin's and my boyfriends ulcers. My grandmother doesn't take shit from people. She is her own person and if I'm like her....I might make it after all.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:09 AM;

  Thursday, March 06, 2003

Upon my birth, my father had a mild crisis. He was wounded by disappointment. All the infant sports equipment and blue onesies must be returned to their respective retail homes and exchanged for the dreaded pink, that heralds...."It's a GIRL! Fucker." These were dark days for my father. He wanted a boy so badly, but learned to accept the bundle of joy that was me. I was all girl. There would be no rough housing in the yard or tag football with the cousins. Oh no, I would not be getting dirty on purpose until years later when it was fun to get dirty with boys. At which point, said activities wouldn't exactly thrill dear ole dad. My parents were very diligent in their attempts to make me into a well rounded child. They encouraged sports, which is like air in the south. Softball was my first foray into the world of "making Daddy happy". I was and never have been athletically inclined. At the ripe old age of six, I played my first competitive softball game. It went a little something like this......I hit the ball for the first time and made it to second base (Rock on!). The next batteress hit the ball and I headed from second to third base. As I made my way to the base, the ball rolled in front of me. I noticed that Miss Shortstop would never reach the ball, but she was givin' it a trooper's try. So, in sweet, innocent, girly-girl fashion, I reached down, picked up the ball and handed it to Miss Shortstop. I was, obviously, called out. My little six year old heart was broken. What a lesson to learn........ Always, always be a bitch; NEVER trust a girl; and you don't have to please your parents with activities you down right loathe.

Good Times!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:50 AM;

  Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Two of my nearest and dearest are tying the knot...Wow! The bride and I went in search of dresses. It was an experience. We spoke in code about the impending birth of the baby. It was pretty hilarious. It's so strange to see these two planning a wedding. They are perfect for each other, and I kinda helped hook them up. I love these guys. Even before they admitted that they loved each other, I could see it in their eyes when they looked at each other. I can't imagine looking into someone's eyes and knowing immediately and without question how much they adore me. That's some crazy shit. Every emotion that I have shows on my face and it'll probably get me in trouble at some point. I'm certain that it will.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:05 PM;

  Sunday, March 02, 2003

I have maybe ten journals stashed about my room. They are in various places and are whipped out based on my mood and the nature of the entry at hand. It would be catastrophic if one of these books fell into the wrong hands. I use my powers for good, but in the wrong hands..... You see my dilemma. I write down things that should never be committed to paper. I should take these things to the grave. Not that they're bad things, I don't have plots for world domination or anything. They're just raw and emotional, and I wish that I could share them here, but I now refer back to the catastrophy afore mentioned. My best friend in the world says that his deathbed request will be to hear all the shit that I've written about him in my mysterious journals. I thought that was hysterical. There was also talk of this reading pulling him out of the coma and a musical/dance number commencing. Good Times! If only life were musical theater. Lots of drama for two hours, constantly entertaining, with everything resolved at the end.

I have so many questions right now. I know that the answers are right in front of my face, I just have to take a closer look. I wish I could see them more clearly. I don't think I'll enjoy the answers when I am able to see them.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:44 AM;

  Wednesday, February 26, 2003

I wonder how it feels to make someone your life and then realize that you will never be enough. They will always need more, but they have always been more than enough for you. Just a thought.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:44 AM;

  Tuesday, February 25, 2003

I babysat tonight for the first time in ages. It was quite fun. I am a nervous wreck around kids when they're in my sole care.

I've written a short story since the tykes hit the hay. It's kind of taken on a life of it's own. It began as a fictional foray into my twisted brain, but has become autobiographical in nature. All names have been changed to protect the innocent. It felt quite therapeutic. I needed that, it's been a while since I committed something raw and personal to paper. For some reason taking pen to paper is so much different than typing it here. Why is that?

I saw a show Sunday night that I must make mention of. It blew me away. It was Falsettos at a nearby university. This show was phenominal. It's basically the story of a family. A mom, a dad, a son, Dad's boyfriend, a divorce, a shrink, the lesbian couple from next door. Not only did it depict how I perceive my life to shape up, it touched me on a deeper level than I imagined it would. I knew most of the story going in, but at the end of the show, I just felt like I had been punched in the gut. It was a great experience. It made me evaluate my life on a different level, and led to a stupid decision later that night, but all in all a great experience.

I read too much into everything. It's a fatal flaw of mine. One of many. I wish that I could just go with the flow and not worry about where everything is headed. On the outside, I rarely show these psychotic questions, but on the inside it eats me up. Lately, I feel kind of like I'm in a death grip with my brain. It's amazing how often I have to fight for control these days. It's just one of those weeks I guess. They come and go.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:56 AM;

  Saturday, February 22, 2003

"It's a big box of sleepy goodness!"

That is the phrase my girl Jade-Lo used to describe our love for huge sleigh beds. I thought it was fucking hysterical! Good Times! This girl is gonna be an opening act for the kick-ass headlining act that ChristoCarto and I will be writing someday. It's gonna be CRAZY man!

In other news, I'm reading a very sad book. I'll keep you posted on that. It hasn't made me cry...yet, but it will.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:25 PM;

  Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Lately I find myself attempting to read people. I'm trying to understand their thoughts and what their motives are. I once could tell immediately and was amazingly dead on, usually. As of late, I have failed miserably. My heart is heavy and I can't pinpoint the reason, although I guess that deep down where I refuse to look, I know what the problem really is. I've tried to show the people in my life what they mean to me, but I get nervous and mess it up. I'm constantly afraid that things will go awry and I'll be left alone. So, I freak out and beat them to the punch.

I thought that this blogging thing would be this enormous release for me, but I find that I censor myself quite a bit. I portray my life as an open book, but that is not entirely true. There are things that I have to keep inside. Most of all for my sanity, but for the other parties involved as well.

I remember what it was like to be in a relationship and I never want to be in that place again. I have loved in my life, sometimes too much, but never too well. I always maintained that I had given all that I had to my romantic entanglements, but the truth is that I never completely gave myself over to it. These are issues that I will, inevitably, have to face. I live in the Land of Denial...It's a fun place. I would LOVE to take a vacation to the Isle of Emotional Detachment. I think that it would be a fun place to visit.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:55 AM;

  Sunday, February 16, 2003

The other night as I returned from rehearsal, some people from my old church were sitting at my house. They lectured me, tried to guilt me, even bashed my friends. Do these tactics really work on anyone? These people feel that, based only on the fact that I am not seated on a pine pew every Sunday, I have become a horrible person. This is not true of course. I have been searching for years for what I believe in. Now that I have found sort of an outline of my beliefs, I find that my old church does not nurture me spiritually speaking. I have to nurture myself.

I just can't understand these fucking backwoods people.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:49 PM;

  Saturday, February 15, 2003

Well, well, well...It has been a while. I'm finally over my cooties, YAY! One of my favorite munchkins is now suffering from pneumonia...let's hope she feels way better soon!

How 'bout Valentine's Day not being that bad this year? I stayed in my pj's until at least 4:30 pm today. When I finally emerged, Dearest Jett and her darling offspring brought me cookies. How sweet is that? Ole Jett can be a softy, don't let her lie. To top it off, I somehow wrangled ChristoCarto into being my "Designated Valentine", I think it had alot to do with the prospect of gifts. I had rehearsal and then I journeyed down to the local community theater for a little culture and champagne....ya can't beat that.
I'm not saying that I've learned to love the V-Day, but it was ok this year.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:19 AM;

  Saturday, February 08, 2003

I'm ikky, yukky sick. Yesterday, I thought the scratching in my throat was just the preamble to throat cancer because who better to brave throat cancer than April Love. I have this underlying fear, otherwise known as hypochondria, that I have some horrific disease. It sounds really funny and I even get a few chuckles about it myself. It actually keeps me up at night on occasion. Although the throat cancer is not one of these fears, it was a really classy no sick and twisted joke. When I was 10, the doctor said that I must have my tonsils removed. In typical April fashion, I stopped seeing that doctor to avoid surgery. Now that my tonsils are all kinda inflamed and ikky, I'm kinda wishing I had done the surgery and been done with it. I'm just sayin'. So, send good health vibes out into the spiritual realm for me if you will.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:12 PM;

  Friday, February 07, 2003

I must make reference to the dreaded holiday, yet again. I hate Valentine's Day, and not because it's a corporate conspiracy to sell more chocolate and flowers, although I truly believe that. I hate this saccarin sweet holiday because in it's design it makes all of us happily single folk feel we are lacking something for that one day. Any holiday that coats everything in red and it's ultimate clasher, pink, should be something I could stand behind. Don't get me wrong, I hate pink, but a day of clashing colors that is oh so lovely tacky, and one of said colors being none other than my very own signature color should bring a gleam to my eye. Right? You'd think that I would wallow in the sentimental shit that is Valentine's Day. For Christ's sake, I'm a whore for a good romantic comedy. Hell, I'll admit it, I even love the horrible ones. AND, I'm a slut for a good drama on the tube.

But even as I bitch, this year hasn't been so bad. I have great friends who are lightening the blow of the "Lover's Holiday". I've gotten more great presents than I EVER got from the ex, so Rock ON Cupid, you can't bring me down this year....Bitch!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 11:04 PM;

  Tuesday, February 04, 2003

We started rehearsals for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat tonight. I think it will probably be a great experience. I will be assistant directing and I will be the baker that is imprisoned with Joseph. Good Times!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:25 AM;

  Sunday, February 02, 2003

I find myself at a crossroad. The issues in my life that are bringing me down, must be addressed. Every decision that I ponder is plagued with consequences. If I take the high road and let it all go, I have to look myself in the mirror and try to not ridicule myself for my non-action. If I take action, I have the inevitable, bad results that go with it. What is wrong with me. I've never had a problem saying what's on my mind, and suddenly I feel as though I should keep it all in. My friends would disagree, I'm always carrying on about something, but I never really address the real problems head on. My head feels all muddled, my thoughts don't find sense. It will all work out in time, I know that, it's just difficult right now.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:15 PM;

I made it through. Here I am in one piece. I had a great weekend. I took a trip to visit a friend and we had a great time. We drank daiqueries and I read everyone's cards. My readings are not top notch, but they improve with everyone that I do....it's all about harnessing that energy.

Tonight I went to a show, and I met two bands. One of my favorite bands right now is Adelayda. They are fabulous. Their lyrics are so beautiful, and they touch me on a level I can't explain. They rock my suburbs! I played the role of the 14 year old girl. Candy and I went to Waffle House after the show and gushed about how cute they were. I would say that we were sell-outs, but it's all about the music first and foremost. When I talked to them I stayed cool, but I REALLY wanted to cry, and found it difficult to articulate. There aren't many people that render me speechless, and only one that isn't a celebrity. I realize that they are just people, but I see this talent in them that moves me to tears. I love music. I think that it's nourishment for the soul...and I'm not sure where I got that little anecdote, but it's pretty damn accurate. I will leave you with a tid-bit of a lyric from one of their songs....here goes.....

I've come down today to face my pain. It's all locked up in you. I'm tattered, torn and I'm blue. And it's safe to say tomorrow's another day. And then you'll see, all that's left here is me.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:45 AM;

  Friday, January 31, 2003

Here we are kiddios! I am drunk ot the seventh power and it's rough! I have partaken of approximately 10-12 shots and I'm having trouble with backspace and typing. If I miss a typo...sorry. ChristoCarot ius here and taking care of the masses. I must go regrettably!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:13 AM;

  Thursday, January 30, 2003

Alright alright! I'm up to shot number, approximately, 7. My dear ChristoCarto and Noodle and J-Law are almost here. There have been a couple of arrivals since my last post. Ryan Boytano arrived a little while ago. I think I will partake of another shot shortly. Have a great night kids, and I'll be back momentarily!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 11:54 PM;

Ok kids! I've had four shots thus far and the fun debauchery is just beginning. I am almost certain that I mispelled debauchery, but what the hell! We listened to Mr. Bigg during shots 3 and 4...Good Times! All my peoples are on their respective ways over, but I will keep you posted as the drunkeness progresses!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:15 PM;

I got a fifth of tequila and a bag of limes in my trunk. I'm ready to partake! There will be much merry-making this evening. There may just even be a few intoxicated posts later! I'm bursting with fruit flavor!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:14 PM;

I have been pondering my past and the paths that I have chosen along the way. Largely in part to my Dearest Jett, we had a chat and it got me thinking. I remember my first semester of college vividly. I had never left home before, so this was an enormous adventure. I still remember the faint smell of new, ivory colored paint on the walls of my dorm room. The day that I met my room-mate, my mom had gone to campus with me. I never imagined that this might seem strange to my new roomie. She still maintains to this day that she was just biding her time until there was a single available. But, alas, she got to know me and my mom and decided we were definately meant to share that tiny room. She was a junior and a couple of months away from legal drinking age, so we were the coolest chicks among the other freshmen. I thought that I was eighteen and an adult, but I later realized that I was eighteen and still a child in a woman's body. I learned to drink beer and to draw a little better than before, in that semester. At least for a few years that's all I thought that I had learned. Looking back now, I see so many things. I flunked out of college that semester, but I learned so much more than I could have learned from a book or in a lecture hall. I got my first taste of what I thought was love. At eighteen, it's always love. I met him and he was everything that I had been missing, or so I thought. We were the token couple in our group of friends. They all said that we would be the ones to make it work. That boy fucking worshipped me in the beginning and I think that I've mentioned how much I dig that. At the ripe, old age of eighteen, I lost my virginity in a haze of vodka, sugar, and lemons....Good Times! I don't regret the way that it went down, it's how I wanted it. It's funny looking back now, I should've known things were not quite right, but when you love someone that much, your blinded. My family worried themselves sick over my well-being when we moved in together. My mother just sighed heavily when I mentioned marrying the shithead, but I told them they were overreacting. In the end it ended badly, which was predictable to say the least. I had to pack my bags and move back in with "Mama". It was a lesson in humility.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:30 AM;

  Monday, January 27, 2003

Oh yeah! Just an update kids. I got a part in the show.

Good Times!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:53 AM;

I like to think of myself as a "well traveled, cultured" gal. I'm even delusional enough to believe that I have, by the skin of my teeth, avoided picking up any of the redneck-esque habits of my loved ones. This is, of course, absolutely not the case. I have picked up some of those things that drive me batty. The most obvious, my token southern "twang". I hate it, but I'm trying to learn to embrace it. I guess that deep down I'm a country girl with too many fucked up ideas to survive in the "bible belt".

I was given the opportunity to go to Italy in the spring of my eighteenth year. It was the trip of a lifetime for someone like me. I'm a self proclaimed lover of art and beauty. I was in awe in Europe. I stepped into the Sistine Chapel and it took my breath away. I'll never be the same after that trip. After that, I was skeptical that I would ever see anything that could compare to the beauty that I saw there. Then, in the following summer I went to New York City. I had been through the city on the "long haul" with my dad, but never as a tourist. I had never realized how much I had talked about New York until I returned. Everyone in my circle of people were shocked. They all said, "you came back home?" To which I replied, "uh, yeah." It seems that everyone had assumed that I would stay if given the chance. Of course I would have, but the chance didn't arise. My mother had said this to everyone in her proud, but wounded voice. As much as I have learned about life in this small town, it has never really been home. Most days I feel a bit like a caged animal. My friends in high school always asked what was wrong with me because I listened to showtunes and artists that actually took pen to paper and wrote their own lyrics. I loved them, but they never really got me. They still don't. There is nowhere on the planet that I can imagine myself being other than New York. I felt safer in the streets of New York City at 1am than I do in my small town neighborhood. My mother claims to have known that I was meant for bigger things when I was 5. She recalls the day she heard the rumbling of my little voice accepting an award and thanking everyone I had ever met by name. If commercial break music had erupted from the heavens I think she would have died on the spot. Fortunately, they did not. I may never be famous and I may never get any awards, but I'm going to live my life so that I will, hopefully, not look back and wonder what could've happened. I have already wasted so very much time.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:40 AM;

  Saturday, January 25, 2003

Have you ever watched someone sleep. Just for the sheer joy that it brings you. Those moments are some of life's best, ya know. When you care so deeply for another human being that their sleep is art to your insomnia. There was a night when I caught sight of the man that I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with, in the midst of a dream. He flailed his arms and spoke in riddles, but it was peaceful at the same time. His face carried a beauty I had visited many times before, but it suddenly became clear that I was staring at the resting head of my soul-mate. He was always the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on...to me, but in that moment, more so than ever. I sat there, while he slept, and I wept. I told his resting ears all the things in my heart, that were too painful to say aloud. I told him how I felt about him and that I was sorry I couldn't speak these things in the waking hours. Of course, he never heard my ramblings. How is it possible to show someone that they are your world, the only thing that truly matters.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:12 PM;

  Wednesday, January 22, 2003

My great-grandmother took care of me when I was a baby. Only while my mother had the task of being the second in a dual income home. This great-grandmother worshipped the little ground that I walked on. I think this lends itself to my attitude to this day, I like being worshipped. It's a curse. Thanks Nanny, seriously. She molded me into part of who I am today. In some ways I learned by being just like her and others by adopting the opposite reaction to hers. I'm grateful for both.
I have a picture of her beside my bed. It's how I chose to immortalize/pay homage to her. It's from a trip we took several years ago. We decided to teach Nanny how to shoot a bird and I don't mean with a rifle.....yep the good, old FINGER. It makes me happy to look at it. She had lived a thousand lives, but at the ripe old age of eighty, still maintained that she had no idea what this gesture was and had never used it. Granted, she never drove a day in her life (aside from a tractor and a tiller), so this notion is not entirely unheard of, but I seriously doubt there was any truth to her claim. It over-joyed her to make us think of her as a perfect lady. None of us really bought it, but we played her little game because she was our beloved matriarch.

I feel pangs of guilt as I look back at the last five years of her life. Until I was 18, I took her to the grocery store every Saturday. Every week she would inform me of her worries about my weight..."It's always a harder life for fat people," just as she added a bag of chocolate-chip cookies to our cart for me to take home. And although I knew she meant for those words to be full of love, over the years it just began to annoy me. So, in those last years of her life I rarely paid her the visits that she deserved. My excuse was that I didn't need anyone to remind me about my body, I had a mirror. These days I would give anything to hear her tell me I needed to lose a few pounds. I think about these things frequently lately. Now that I am at a time in my life that I could REALLY benefit from the stories of her past and the past of our family. She taught me so many lessons about life and she didn't even try. She peppered these stories with her own altered memories. Time often makes us remember things a little different than the exact truth, but that was alright too. She was an amazing woman and I miss her more than usual today.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:34 AM;

My friend Candy and I have an unhealthy obsession with the Waffle House at 3 in the morning and men we can't have. It's GOOD TIMES! The only reason we can't have said men is because we are both too chicken to say what we want. Who'd have thunk I'm shy at times. Hmmmmm? I tend to be Matchmaker International, but my efforts as of late have been unsuccessful at best. Maybe I've lost my touch. My "Midas Touch of Amore" is long gone and that's GREAT!

Where do I come up with this shit?
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 4:12 AM;

  Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Can I just say? I am ecstatic about the new Harry Potter.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:21 AM;

  Monday, January 20, 2003

How 'bout a FUCKIN' cappacino.

I think I'll make one before I bite through a nail. I'm a tad bit irritated at the world today and I don't know why exactly that is. There are choices to be made by some people in my life and they just refuse to make a decision. I really can't complain, as I am one of the most indecisive gals that I know. Compared only to ChristoCarto's indecisiveness. No, I'm not certain if that is, in fact, a word, but I LIKE it. Any-who kids, I'm in a bit of turmoil at this point. Send those happy vibes that I tend to refer to out into the spiritual realm for me. Thank you, thank you so much.

Question of the day:
Does that love at first sight shit really exist??

I have a reason for all these ramblings, just bear with me! I may never tell you those reasons, but at least you know I'm not annoying you in vain.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 6:06 PM;

There was a time in my life when I was a puppet. I know that this is difficult for some to conceive of, but 'tis true. I used to live for others, but now I have become a selfish bitch. That's ok, but it's kind of nice to be someone's leaning post too. I am a walking contradiction. At least I'm fully aware of it. I guess that makes it healthy.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:43 PM;

Weekends rock!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:29 PM;

  Saturday, January 18, 2003

I find myself in a strange place these days. There are things that we wait our whole lives for and sometimes they meander into our lives and sometimes they don't. Lots of things find us and they're all fucked up. I'm there right now. But, I'll figure it out. I feel like my life at large is on hiatus, like a shitty sitcom or something.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:51 AM;

Sweet Mary had a little surgery today. So, I'm sending good, happy, healthy vibes out into the spiritual realm for my little Gaia.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 12:36 AM;

  Thursday, January 16, 2003

The dreaded holiday is steadily approaching. Yes, Valentine's Day is less than one month away.

Please prepare for impact.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:19 PM;

Hello dearies! So, the update on my crazy mother is as follows. She completely unhinged the fury of Carrie on me today and rationalized it by throwing in my face AGAIN that I don't pay bills here. But I prevailed, I totally disarmed her with my brilliance as I pointed out that I was sorry that I raised my voice (which I was), and that her temper tantrum had unfairly made her look like the bad guy. I then astonished her by expressing that she had embarrassed me in front of a friend from out of town and that was just disrespectful considering that we had always had an adult relationship based on mutual respect. It was not my intention to make my mother feel guilty, I just had to express my side before I started to cry and get irrational. God, I'm such a fuckin' girl! Oh well, I guess I'll survive.

Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite, unless that's your thing.

Much Love!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:22 AM;

  Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Today a good friend of mine came up for a visit, it was great to see her. I realize more everyday how much my friends are like my family. I love those guys.
Enough of the sapppppp!!!

I have an admission of guilt. I am a whore for cheesy, teen angst television. For the first time tonight, I was home on a Wednesday night. At seven-ish I turned to my local WB station and sat back to prepare for a good night of Dawson's Creek (Insert laughter here.) I know, I know. That should contain everything that I stand against. Unfortunately, I can't get enough. I have to say that I was severely disappointed that my show was not on tonight, but replaced by basketball. I just thought that I should get that out.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 8:00 PM;

MY MOTHER IS COMPLETELY FREAKIN' NUTS!!!!!!!!!!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 7:51 PM;

  Tuesday, January 14, 2003

The audition went quite well, if anyone cares!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 10:12 PM;

I just had a revelation. I've been thinking a lot about marriage and what my stand on it is at this point. I'm only 24, but as a woman, we are inundated with the idea that we should be married by the time we're thirty or that we've failed in some way. There was a time in my life, just a couple of years ago, when I thought that to have a complete life I had to get married and have a family. I see people who are married and it works for them, but I also see examples of relationships that are just as committed and lasting without the tie of marriage.
I just feel so elated, that I have freed myself of those traditional expectations of our society. I finally got it. I may never need marriage in my life and that's perfectly fine. I would like a committed relationship at some point, but that could be enough. All of my baby-crazy friends think I've lost it. I DO NOT WANT KIDS! And that is OK. I never imagined that my peers would be enraged by this idea. They wonder if I've discovered some new age, wierdo, non-child, conspiratory women's cult. I tell them I'm not even sure that these organizations exist, but they insist that there has to be some sinister force at work to fill my head with all this nonsense. Of course, none of them have actually voiced these concerns as I have here, but I see it in there looks. Their eyes fill with a look of dread and pity saying, "Poor April Love. She fills her head with these crazy thoughts to ease the pain of becoming an old maid at 28. It's so sad."

But I just say that I'm the normal one.....well, almost normal.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:18 AM;

I'm not sure what the hell is up with my comments.....but I'm all over it.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:54 AM;

The world of retail was quite a bitch on wheels today! Our computers completely SHUT DOWN! It was NOT Good Times.

But, in other news, I stopped by my ex-college to check out auditions for my theater department's Spring show. I was a little sad to not be a part of the show, but I had made a strong stand to not audition. When I entered the building I was bombarded by the people I adore asking me to audition. Not that I'm a great talent or anything, I'm just loads 'o fun. So I was totally duped. I'm going to audition tomorrow night. I think I have lost my mind yet again. This audition requires a solo song, and I am NO singer, but I'm gonna give it a trooper's try. Maybe I won't puke onstage, that would probably be bad.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:20 AM;

  Monday, January 13, 2003

I just concluded watching parts of An Evening with Kevin Smith.

I LOVE HIM!

He rocks my suburbs.
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 1:41 AM;

  Sunday, January 12, 2003

I AM A SHITHEAD!!

I was supposed to go with my bestest friend (Cristo Carto for those that don't know) to buy a present for his Mom's birthday. I OVERSLEPT. That is such a lame ass excuse too. It would be better if I could honestly say that I was rescuing children from a burning orphanage and then found homes for all the little tykes, hence missing the shopping trip that would have no doubt been loads of fun. But, of course, all I got is "I overslept, and I am exceedingly remorseful dear Cristo!"

Do you think that'll work??
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 3:03 PM;

So, this is Cyberia. I am overjoyed to be here, but I have a feeling I may have gone completely mad. I have, of my own volition, decided to share my psychotic ramblings with the public at large. Whom, may I add, are complete strangers to me for the most part.
Good Times!

Tonight, I found myself at the local Waffle House. When I entered said establishment, I noticed a rogue group of young crackhead type peoples. I found myself staring at them in an odd fashion. When suddenly I had a horrible epiphany
I was once one of those annoying little fucks that I am silently poking fun at!
It was disheartening, but altogether a happy moment. Thank the powers that be for making me grow up (a little anyway).

FYI, I am a college drop-out...AGAIN. Though it was a financial decision this time and was not at all based on the notion that weekends do not provide enough party time. So, all in all, I'm not a complete loser this time. There are decisions that must be made whether we enjoy them or not, but I still have to say........The man can go to hell!

Good night dear Cyberia, and Rock ON!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 2:59 AM;

  Saturday, January 11, 2003

Welcome to the wacky world of Cyberia, precious April!

Sock it to 'em, kid.
Jett Superior just very nearly sassed you at 11:29 PM;

testes, motherfucker!
April Love just very nearly sassed you at 5:09 PM;

What is this sleep that you speak of??

Rattle on:
AIM: freakgurl97
momma like e-mail
Oooh, hey: Guestmap!

Ramble on:

Relive:
current

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You takey, baby, I breaky.